Weed dating: The garden trend that hasn't hit Colorado, but should

Hey baby: You know how to thistle, don't you?

You thought you?d heard everything about gardening. About wicked bugs, slugs that mate in midair suspended on a string of their own slime (yes, there is video) and naughty Boulderites who garden wearing next to nothing. But no. No, you hadn?t heard everything. Because you hadn?t yet heard of Weed Dating. Which astonishingly has nothing to do with reggae festivals or dispensary laws.

Weed dating means people will pay you ? yes, PAY YOU ? for the privilege of pulling your pigweed, if there?s a chance of true love or the certainty of a cold brew in it. There could be amour in the amaranth. Babes in the bindweed. Your prince, lurking in the purple loosestrife. Or at the very least, a good laugh.

Naturally, we heard of this via Jezebel.com, which heard of it via CBSnews.com, which found it at the Idaho Statesman, because where else would you find weed dating than Boise, Idaho? (OK, I found it in Kalamazoo, Mich.; and Barnstable, Mass.; and in San Diego, Calif., where one Facebook male commenter said of an upcoming weekend weedfest, ?Cute idea. I don?t expect to be able to walk on Sunday if all goes well tomorrow.? Surely he was talking about weeding.

The way it worked in Idaho, women were sent into every other row in the field, and the men moved from row to row, getting names, vital stats and weed ID tips. For shy weeders, there were Mason jars with participants? numbers where mash notes could be dropped post-weeding.

I do hope these folks are wearing gloves. Because here in Colorado, there are weeds that sting and weeds that ooze toxic sap and weeds that leave you with a horrible persistent rash. There are weeds that grow right back, reaching out for miles with strangling tendrils, even after you explain that it?s really not going to work and you both have to move on.

Weed dating: Why? It?s just as dangerous as the real thing.

On the up side, you can imagine the pickup lines that weed dating could inspire. And we will let you.

This trend simply has to catch on in Colorado. Hey farmers: no need for a chi-chi chef-conducted dinner with wine and a five-course local menu to advertise your organic farm. Just set up a weed dating event! Harvest bushels of dollars and get your beans cleaned.

Why didn?t the folks who were having a massive four-site noxious-weed-pulling festival last weekend use this idea? The heck with service to the native plant kingdom. Sell sizzle, and you?d have all those invaders dug out. OK, so maybe not with 100 percent accuracy or all of them by the roots, but still. Pull up a beer truck, sign your local roots-rock band to play and watch that myrtle spurge disappear.

For that matter, why haven?t I thought of this? Weed dating. My place.

Soon to be followed by popcorn-ceiling-removal-dating and hardwood-floor-installing-dating. I?ll keep the ticket price cheap.

Source: http://blogs.denverpost.com/coloradoathome/2012/07/17/weed-dating-garden-trend-hit-colorado/

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